(Tutenborough, MA) Authorities in the Northeastern United States are asking residents to be on the lookout for America’s most infamous freak of nature. Earlier this week, the legendary feline-vampire hybrid known as Bat Cat escaped from a maximum security experimentation facility, launching a full scale creature hunt.
Bat Cat fled the Tutenborough Center for Research and Incarceration early Wednesday morning, reportedly scampering into the woods surrounding the 150 year old insane asylum-turned-dissection prison. It’s believed she’s hiding out there, plotting an array of mischievous activities to spring upon an unsuspecting public.
Bat Cat burst onto the scene in 2014 when she was discovered in an abandoned mine shaft in a remote section of the Berkshire Mountains. Initially believed to be a miniature Appalachian Cave Tiger, researchers soon realized they had a previously undiscovered critter on their hands when she sunk her fangs into one scientist’s neck and began playing practical jokes on the others.
“She drank an entire pint of the guy’s blood,” one witness told reporters at the time. “Then she had two other lab guys ‘pull her finger’ and convinced another that Webster’s had taken the word ‘gullible’ out of the dictionary. I was both horrified and profoundly amused.”
Bat Cat’s reign of mischief began promptly after she broke free from her first house of incarceration. Using a library computer, she hacked into the iCloud accounts of hundreds of Hollywood celebrities, releasing thousands of private, adult-themed photos. Later that year she used the same computer to hack into and release sensitive, confidential e-mails from Sony Pictures Studios.
In subsequent years, high profile personalities would often play foil to Bat Cat’s rascality. In 2017, she knowingly handed actor Warren Beatty the wrong Oscar envelope, briefly and erroneously giving the Best Picture Award to La La Land. A year earlier, she famously advised presidential candidate Hillary Clinton not to campaign in Wisconsin and Michigan. She was also instrumental in organizing the ill-fated Fyre Festival and later sent out a mass emergency text alert which led many Hawaiians to believe a nuclear attack was imminent.
The impish monstrosity has also left her mark on some memorable finishes in major sporting events. In the closing seconds of Super Bowl XLIX, she advised Seattle Seahawks Quarterback Russell Wilson to pass on second and goal from the New England one yard line. That toss was intercepted, sealing victory for the Patriots. The following year, during Game 7 of the World Series, she encouraged Chicago Cubs manager Joe Maddon to pull starting pitcher Kyle Hendricks from the game, nearly costing the Cubs their first World Championship in 108 years.
Early last year, Bat Cat drew public admiration when she viciously attacked disgraced financier Jeffrey Epstein, sinking her fangs deep into his throat. However, public sentiment promptly turned against her when she tried to do the same thing to beloved actress Betty White.
Authorities hope to round up the malformed miscreant before she assists President Trump with any further Tweets and before she hands President-Elect Joe Biden another list of “funny things to say.”
Leave A Comment